This technique is to be used when you want to move your relationship from casual to exclusive.
Seriously, don’t use it if you aren’t sure if you want this guy. To make sure he’s boyfriend material, go through the Is He the One You Really Want worksheet in the worksheets section.
It may seem like getting a man to commit to you is impossible. Guys have this irrational fear that being in a relationship means giving up on a dream. You see, deep down in the psyche of most guys lives this vision of being the ultimate alpha-male stud with supermodels throwing themselves at his feet Or some variation on that fantasy.
Men tend to believe that if they make enough money, drive an awesome enough car, or work out to achieve massive muscles, they will be living a rockstar life with hot babes at their disposal.
Even if that picture couldn’t be further from the current situation or seems totally out of touch with reality, somewhere in his mind, he harbors that vision.
And let’s face it, in the smörgåsbord of modern life, where he can go online to a dating site and view thousands of available women, the idea of a never-ending supply of females is somewhat real. The “perfect woman” could be just a click away. Which makes the idea of committing a bit unappealing.
Because in his mind, commitment equals giving up freedom. Even if you are super chill about dating and spending time apart, on some level, he equates exclusivity with captivity.
So there are two things you need to accomplish to make the idea of commitment worthwhile.
And the key here is that the idea of commitment is HIS, not the result of you giving him an ultimatum (those only create resentment) or nagging him into it. This technique creates a desire in him to commit to you. The two things that create this desire to commit are…
- Create some space to draw him in
- Make him feel amazing
You have to implement both concepts. And while they seem slightly at odds with each other, I will show you exactly how to do it.
***Important Note!***
I cannot guarantee that this will work 100% of the time with 100% of the men you try it on. And really, you shouldn’t be running around doing this with just any ol’ guy.
There are men who are damaged from past heartbreak or other trauma and simply aren’t capable of commitment. There are also men who are abusive, dishonest, or cheaters, people you wouldn’t want to have as your boyfriend, either.
So even though you believe he is the ideal man for you, you have to be willing to walk away from him, too, without a scene or ultimatum. You are a smart and sexy woman who many men will find desirable.
One bonus of this technique is that it keeps you in control and empowered. You are actively enjoying your amazing life. And you are keeping your options open in the event that this relationship doesn’t pan out. And if this guy doesn’t choose to join you in your amazing life, you really won’t be losing out. I promise!
Step One: Do the Worksheet!
I told you to do it in the opening paragraph, and if you thought you could skip ahead and not do it, well, too bad. That is your first step. So go open it up, (it’s right here), complete it, and come back when you are done 😉
It’s important to understand why you want a relationship with this particular man. It has to be more than physical attraction!
Step Two: Create Space
The biggest mistake I see smart women make is to act like they are someone’s girlfriend when they aren’t. Until he asks you to be exclusive, you are BOTH single. That means you are free to date and talk to other men. And your weekends and downtime aren’t automatically saved for him.
So leave your online dating profile up if you have one. Continue to answer emails and go on other dates. Do NOT feel guilty about this. You can limit the dates to daytime coffees if you want. And don’t feel obligated to kiss or get physical with any of the other guys.
Also, fill your social calendar with outings with your girlfriends and other people in your life. Do NOT leave yourself with no plans so that you can be available at a moment’s notice to this man.
If he asks you out for a Friday and you have plans, tell him you aren’t available that evening, but offer a night that you are free. And you don’t owe him an explanation of what you are doing!
If he asks what your plans are, simply tell him “I am meeting a friend for ___________.” Don’t elaborate. Even if you are going to happy hour with your aunt. Give him the chance to fill in the blank that some other lucky man is taking you out.
The important thing here is that you continue to lead an active and interesting life on your own.
Yes, you will make time for him, but he cannot take for granted that you are at his beck and call.
Creating a void where you aren’t just automatically there forces him to put in some effort to see you.
It’s human nature to want what we can’t easily have, and by hinting that there are other guys in the running, you will activate a little competitiveness within him.
Step Three: Build Desire
If you’ve already been sleeping together, pull back a little. Sex at this stage of your relationship should not be a given or something to take for granted.
For example, at the end of a date that might normally end in sex or a sleep over, make out passionately and then cut the night short.
Press up close to him, kiss him, then pull back and bite your lip. Look him in the eye and say something like, “Your kisses drive me wild, but that 7am wake-up call will come mighty early. So it’s time to say good night,” and send him on his way.
After he leaves, text him and say, “Enjoy those sexy dreams you’ll be having of me tonight ;)”
This step works just as well even if you haven’t already had sex. There is something intoxicating about a confident woman who teases a guy.
Even if you aren’t totally sure that he is having sexy dreams about you, telling him that he is plants that seed. Plus, it’s super flirty and self-assured.
It doesn’t mean that you stop sleeping with him altogether, it’s just that you intentionally hold back. If it’s just a regular old Wednesday and you went out for a quick bite after work, use that as a no-sex date. If it’s a special occasion where you’ve gone to a fancy party or are doing something particularly romantic, then go for it.
For those times you do sleep with him, use one of the techniques like the Oral Intensifier or Verbal Viagra to blow his mind and make the event super memorable.
By alternating no-sex dates with amazing-sex dates, you are keeping him slightly off balance and eager.
Step Four: Make Him Feel Amazing
This step gets a little tricky because it may sound like it’s contradicting the other three. But if you are implementing all of the steps, it isn’t. And while making him feel amazing physically is a huge focus of this program, here I’m talking more about making him feel appreciated in the broader sense.
A man will value the woman who makes him work a little bit to have her. And he wants to put in work for the woman who makes him feel like an incredible man.
Most women tend to do one or the other. Either she plays so hard to get that she comes off like an ice queen, or she showers him with so much attention and makes herself boring by appearing entirely too available and needy.
The key to this entire technique is balancing the two. Create the space for him to chase you and also make him feel amazing.
You want to let him know that you value and appreciate him. You do this by giving him honest praise and genuine compliments.
Looking at your Is He the One You Really Want worksheet, you identified the core reasons you are attracted to this particular man. You are going to share these with him.
The key here is to not go overboard. Look for natural opportunities to pay him a compliment.
For example, if you are attracted to his passion for his career, next time he brings up work, tell him, “I really admire how much you enjoy your work. It’s very attractive.”
Also, send him unexpected appreciative love notes via text.
Start your text with something like:
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- I admire…
- I adore…
- I appreciate…
- I really like…
- I enjoy…
- I value…
- I respect…
And follow up that with something you genuinely want to compliment him about. Men love feeling respected and acknowledged for their accomplishments, hard work, AND how they make you feel.
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- …your integrity. It’s a rare trait!
- …your passion for your career.
- …how much you love your kids.
- …your willingness to always help someone you care about.
- …your sense of humor. You always can make me laugh 🙂
- …your intelligence.
- …how you make me feel safe when we are out together.
- …your willingness to be goofy in front of me.
- …how much fun I have with you.
I recommend giving him these compliments (in actual conversation or via text) at least once per week.
And the final way you make him feel great is to express gratitude! It is such an obvious thing, but you’d be surprised at how often people forget to do it.
Thank him when he takes you out and pays for dinner, drinks, or the activity.
After a date, send him a text thanking him for a great time. Mention something specific, too. Tell him what your favorite part of the evening was, for example.
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- “Thank you for taking me to watch the baseball game. My favorite part was you cheering for that crazy triple play!”
- “Thank you for dinner last night. I especially enjoyed the delicious Chardonnay you chose for us.”
- “I had such a great time bowling with you. The way you wiggled your butt on the approach was super cute”
And yes, tell him that you enjoyed it when you did get physical!
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- “Every time I think of last night, I get a delicious tingle through my whole body.”
- “I swear my legs are still quivering from that amazing orgasm you gave me.”
- “You totally rocked my world last night. I sure do enjoy sex with you! ;)”
- “Thanks to you, I can’t even concentrate on work today. Would rather think about how incredible you feel.”
It feels amazing to be appreciated. As humans, we naturally want to be close to the people who appreciate us and make us feel special.
By using these steps in concert with each other, you are showing him that you are worth chasing and that a relationship with you makes him feel great, both sexually and otherwise.
Frequently asked questions
How much time should I give him to commit before I give up?
There is no magic number here. Some guys might be asking for exclusivity after just a week or two. Other guys may take a lot longer. That is why it’s imperative that you keep living a full life without making him the center of your world.
If you are continuing to operate as a single woman and you are meeting other men, one of two things will happen. Either you will eventually meet someone else who you would like to commit to (and who wants to commit to you) or this one guy will eventually commit.
Can I use some of the other techniques and dirty talk with him before we are exclusive?
Certainly! However, remember the video game analogy I gave you. Think of your sexual superpowers as special gifts. Not every man you date gets to experience these fantastic things with you. Save some of it for later when a relationship starts to develop.
Look, it’s totally possible to use most if not all of the techniques in this program with a man who isn’t your husband or boyfriend. Like I’ve said before, not every woman wants an exclusive long-term relationship.
But if you are a woman who desires an LTR, be selective with what you share with a man at the beginning.
I’ve tried doing every step and he isn’t acting any differently toward me.
That is disappointing, no doubt. Heartbreaking even. But remember, even if he might be wonderful in many ways, if he isn’t able to commit to the type of relationship you want, you need to be willing to walk away. Settling for half a relationship isn’t the answer. Walk away and make yourself available for a man who does desire a commitment.
Can I use this technique on more than one guy at a time?
Sure! I do think being selective about who you want to commit to is important. And by being selective, you tend to weed out the men who aren’t quite the right fit (Mr. Right-for-Now versus Mr. Right). But it is within the realm of possibility that you could meet two men who each would make a great partner for you. If that is the case, there is nothing wrong with using this technique simultaneously on more than one man.
Just be discreet about it! While part of this technique does serve to stir up a little competitiveness, it’s icky to intentionally pit these guys against each other.
Will this work on a guy to get him to leave his wife?
Um, no. Just no. Don’t seek out a man who is already taken. You deserve someone who is available to you, girl! If you have to keep your relationship secret, that’s a gigantic club over the head that you deserve better. Plus, it is just all kinds of not cool to mess around with another woman’s guy. If you meet a great man who happens to already be attached, simply tell him, “Look me up when you’re single,” and walk away from him.
