Now that you understand why he watches porn (and if you snuck to this lesson without reading “Rethinking Porn,” go back and read it right this second!), I’m going to teach you how to use his WHY to your advantage.
First, I’m going to sound a bit like a broken record. I agree that pornography is controversial. I understand that you probably feel conflicted and slightly uncomfortable with this topic. But I ask you to put that aside for a moment and trust that I am not trying to get you to love porn.
I want you to use what I’m teaching you to your advantage. Because this is what caused a complete 180 for me in my relationship.
As I shared in the prior lesson, porn feeds directly into his sexuality by reinforcing the idea of surrender and prowess.
Those are the two key ingredients to The Porn Destroyer: surrender and prowess.
The women on-screen surrender their bodies to the man. He can do anything and everything he wants to them, and they don’t judge him. They accept this animal side of his sexuality. His unique desires, even his kinks or fetishes. He can touch them and fuck them any which way he wants to.
They love it and beg for it.
This level of acceptance is HUGE for a man. It is likely that he’s felt ashamed of this grunting beast side of his sexuality. When you let him know you understand and accept this side of him, he feels a powerful sense of relief and connection to you.
The second ingredient to the Porn Destroyer is to react audibly to his prowess and skill. The porn actor is driving the woman (or women as the case may be) to the absolute heights of physical pleasure.
Men are hard-wired to want to give this kind of pleasure to women. That is part of the ultimate sexual achievement in his fantasies. Your moans, screams, mmmm’s, yes’s, and OHMYGODs are the signal to him he’s doing his job right.
And while you may have surrendered your body to your man, or you may show him or tell him just how great he is in bed, most likely you haven’t intentionally done both at the same time.
When you do both, you are basically giving him his own real-life porn experience. And no, you don’t have to videotape yourself! 😉
A Lesson From a Call-girl
In one of the bonuses to this program, I share with you a fascinating and totally no-holds-barred interview I had with a former call-girl.
One of the biggest revelations from that conversation is where she explained the top two requests she got from her clients. Generally speaking, they either asked for a Girlfriend Experience (GFE) or a Porn Star Experience (PSE).
In the GFE, she would morph into the ultimate girlfriend: asking about his day, fixing him a drink, being present to his emotional needs, lots of kissing and cuddling… and their time together evolved into sex romantically and naturally, like it would if they were in a real relationship. Although sometimes, there was no sex involved.
With the porn star experience (PSE), she became just like a porn actress. It was no (or minimal) small talk and no emotions, basically just straight to the fucking with the idea that very few things off limits. Surrendering her body to his desires. Giving him ownership over her (for the hour anyway) and showing him just how masterful he was at physically pleasuring her.
Surrender and prowess, ladies. That is what her clients paid her for. It really wasn’t about the technique or skills she had.
Using The Porn Destroyer
Enough talk, let’s get down to business!
Step One: Planning
This technique doesn’t require much advance planning at all, except for the decision to actually do it. That could be something you decide ahead of time, but it could be completely spur of the moment.
If you are a planner, like I tend to be, here is what I suggest:
First off, give yourself some inner coaching and confidence. Decide that you want to do this. Understand that while you might feel weird adopting a “porn” persona, you are meeting his deep-rooted fantasies in a very tangible way. It will bring you closer even though emotions aren’t really the focal point here.
Once you feel confident and willing to try it out, you can look for an opportunity. The first time, I opted to basically pounce on Kevin while he was doing some work-related paperwork late one evening.
I have also greeted him at the door when we have the house to ourselves, in “character,” ready to take him to freaky-town right away. He’s been the pizza boy, the cable guy, even the meter reader one time, LOL.
Step Two: What to Say
Really, there is not much talking to be done with this technique. Basically you are going to set the tone with one easy sentence:
“I’m yours, do whatever you want to my body.”
Here are a variety of ways to say this, choose whatever suits your mood:
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- Make me your personal slut.
- I want you to fuck me any way you want to.
- You have my permission to do anything you want. Anything.
- Let your inner pervert out. I’m all yours.
- Nothing is off limits tonight.
- I don’t want you stop until you are shaking, spent, and exhausted.
- Show me your wildest fantasy. I’m ready to do everything you want.
If those feel too direct and the idea of getting into a character is easier for you, you could go with one of these:
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- Let’s pretend we’re in a movie, and you get to direct the scenes.
- Pretend I’m your personal porn star.
- I want to be your personal video girl
You can also role-play a traditional porn plot too, like:
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- Let’s pretend you are a sexy pool boy (or gardener) and I’m the lonely housewife.
- What if you are the pizza delivery boy who gets a naughty surprise?
- I’m going to be the innocent housemaid who gets seduced by you, the owner of the estate.
- You are the handsome masseuse and I’m your client who won’t stop your wandering hands.
There is no wrong way to initiate this technique. You simply need to let him know that you want to surrender yourself to your his sexual desires.
Does this mean you are giving him permission to dismiss your sexual boundaries? No. This technique is meant to be fun. It is not an invitation to force you into anything against your will.
Consent is always a top priority! More on that below in the FAQ.
Step Three: Reflect His Prowess
Once you’ve surrendered yourself and the action heats up, you need to continue the technique by showing how much he’s pleasing you.
You can accomplish this is a few ways.
- Stay present and eager. You’ve given him permission to unveil his raunchy side, and he needs to know you are right in that moment with him. This isn’t a time to lay back on the pillows and think about tomorrow’s To-Do list.
- Vocalize, vocalize, vocalize! Remember back to the first technique you learned, The Madonna Moan. This is a perfect time to use that. Also, give him encouragement along the way. Tell him how great something feels and how much you love it.
The sexual play-by-play is a great way to stay present as well as vocal. Basically, you describe out loud what is happening. This is pretty much the kind of dialogue found in 99.9% of porn movies.
If he is giving you oral, you can say…
…I love the way your tongue feels. Please don’t stop!
…oh baby, you know exactly how to please me. ohhhh…
…oh you lick my pussy so good, make me cum, baby, and then you can fuck me
When you are going to give him oral…
…you want me to suck your cock, baby? You like how I do that?
…I love how you feel in my mouth, mmmm
…I’m going to make you cum so hard
When you are about to / or are having intercourse…
…I want to feel you deep inside me
…I need you to fuck me now, baby
…give it to me hard and fast
…oh my god, your dick feels so good
When the Big O is about to happen…
…you’re going to make me cum
…I’m coming
…oh baby, you make me cum so hard
…I want you to fill me up with your cum
After the sexual interlude is over, tell him how great it was. Even if this wasn’t your idea of fantastic time (although I do hope you found it fun!) you can find something to compliment him on.
Whether you were amazed by his stamina, or maybe a crazy new position that felt incredible, or you loved how he really got into the role-playing…compliment him on what rocked your socks.
Frequently Asked Questions
What if I’m afraid he wants to do something that I’m not okay with?
That’s a common concern. And even though you’ve given him permission to do “anything” he wants, it doesn’t mean that consent flies out the window.
One friend of mine was terrified to try The Porn Destroyer because her husband wants to try anal sex. He’s pretty well endowed, and the one time they tried it, it hurt and she made him stop after a few seconds. So she’d pretty much decided anal is off limits for her. Her worry was that if she surrendered herself, that meant she “had to” do anal. I told her that she never “had to” do anything. If something was off limits, it could remain off limits.
When she decided to try out this technique the first time, he did ask if that meant anal was back on the table. And she just told him that she still wasn’t sure about that but was eager to do lots of other things. And he was satisfied completely and his penis didn’t even venture near her bum.
Having said that, though, this exercise DOES give you the opportunity to revisit some activities you may have previously deemed off-limits. Personally, I like to reflect and check in with myself on my boundaries. Over the years, I’ve found that there have been things I once didn’t have an interest in become things I was willing to try…and things I realized I enjoy!
This happens because as humans, we grow and evolve, and the trust in our relationships deepens, too.
And if you do look at your list of no’s and not sure about’s and still don’t want to try them, that’s cool too.
What if something we are doing hurts or is uncomfortable?
When you are experimenting, not everything feels great. It’s perfectly acceptable to change position if you are in pain.
Do you yell out, “Ouch! Stop!”? Well, you can, but that sort of kills the mood. So, a different option is to proactively suggest something different.
For example, if your jaw is about to cramp up from giving a super-long blow job, you can take control by switching it up to intercourse. If a certain position is giving you a charlie-horse in your calf, tell him you want to feel him from a different angle.
A little personal anecdote…it’s not sexy at all, but I’ve got a bad knee from spraining it when I was younger. So being on top isn’t my personal favorite because it hurts like a mo-fo after about five minutes. My man knows this (of course), but I also happen to know he has a thing for having naked boobs jiggling around in his face.
So when I have done this technique, I plan it out by riding him for as long as my knee can stand it and then I say I need to feel him on top of me or fucking me from behind. He has never once complained, and it hasn’t interfered with the mood of our session.
You mention role-playing with characters above, but you also say this is supposed to be simple.
So… which is it?
Role-playing can be very involved with costumes and props. It can also be totally an exercise in using your imagination.
If you want to do costumes, go for it! If you want to keep it simple and role-play just using words? That totally works, too. I will tell you, I’ve done it both ways, and both are equally fun.
What if something unsexy happens and we “break character?”
You know what? Unsexy stuff happens all the time during sex. And it’s funny!
It’s okay to laugh! Don’t feel like a random fart or losing balance or stumbling over a word and saying it wrong is going to ruin anything. Actually, those totally human moments are things to laugh about.
The bottom line is that sex is fun. It’s how grownups play with each other. And even if you have taken the effort to set a certain mood, it’s fine to laugh, too!
