Understanding your man’s unique desires and fantasies…and then acting on that information and eagerly meeting those fantasies is one of the singularly most powerful things you can do to make him feel accepted, loved, desired, and connected to you.
Learning what those fantasies are can take a bit of effort.
Understanding fantasies, desires, and sexuality
Fantasies and desires are complex things. Some men can easily, even casually, tell you his fantasies. While other men might have no clue how to actually put into words what they deeply desire.
A lot of times what goes on in our secret sexual brains can be difficult to describe. What we respond to sexually or the images we think about when we climax may not even make a whole lot of sense to us. The thought impulses are flying fast and furious during orgasm.
Those images and private mental movies may also be wrapped in shame and fear.
For example, a fairly common fantasy for both women and men is being taken by force or against their will. Which, by definition, is forcible rape. Sex without consent is a crime. Rape is also something that both women and men fear and (most) know is very wrong. So this particular fantasy can be highly disturbing and confusing. It’s one that few may be willing to admit because it’s wrapped in both shame and fear.
Some men may fantasize about being sexually humiliated. Being urinated or defecated upon. Having insults hurled at them. Being put into the role of cuckold – where his wife/girlfriend openly cheats on him and he lives with the embarrassment. Not something he may want to talk about.
Also, some very hetero guys may also experience some homosexual fantasies. Does this mean he’s gay or bi? Not necessarily. And depending on how open his family, friends, or lover is…he may not even understand how to comprehend – let alone talk about – this fantasy at all.
One man I interviewed told me that right before he came sometimes, he thought about mice gently nibbling on the head of his penis. He could joke about it because he understood it was some wacky wiring in his brain. He didn’t judge himself on it. He had no desire to get it freaky with some mice! But nonetheless, that image sometimes popped up in his mind.
Now these are a few extreme examples. However, what a lot of people don’t connect with is that sometimes what you may fantasize about are not activities you actually want to bring to life and experience.
Even less extreme types of fantasies can be scary to discuss. It’s revealing our most private sexual selves. And because we tend to judge ourselves (or at least wonder “am I normal?”) we fear that our lover will totally judge us. Or freak out. Or think we are disturbed.
So it stands to reason that for a lot of people, what we are willing to openly talk about regarding fantasies might not be their deepest ones at all.
So, why did I even create this technique?
I created it because even if your man harbors an intensely private fantasy that he may never ever talk about, there are still plenty of fantasies he either will tell you or he’ll show you through his actions and preferences.
By acknowledging, accepting, and even celebrating his unique turn-ons, it will create a deep bond of trust and intimacy between you. Which opens the door to deeper sharing down the road.
Discovering, accepting, and integrating my man’s fantasies is one of my favorite things about being in a trusted and committed relationship. The fact that I know how to speak to him this way and that I can celebrate his unique sexuality has strengthened our relationship and deepened our intimacy – both emotionally and physically.
He trusts me because I hold this information at a sacred level. And he does the same for me. It’s also why I am not threatened one bit by any other woman he might find attractive. Because I am the only woman in his life who holds the key to his rich fantasy life.
A word on acceptance
I mentioned above that everyone- regardless of their fantasy – fears being judged or ridiculed if they share it with another person.
We all wonder if we are “normal” for desiring whatever it may be. Even those who are the most sexually confident and knowledgeable who understand a lot about the quirks of human sexuality are prone to having some insecurities in this area.
When you ask him to reveal his fantasies…or you clue into what they may be through your research…accept them and him with an open heart.
Understand that no matter what his fantasies are, they aren’t a reflection of who he wants you to be. They also are completely normal (despite whether they shock you or not).
Even if his fantasy initially repels you or causes you some fear, I am going to teach you how it’s possible to incorporate his fantasy in several ways. Ways that don’t necessarily require you to act it out in a literal sense.
This technique is a little different
I have tried to make these lessons as done-for-you as possible through this program. This particular lesson is not that way. You are ultimately the one who is going to create the actions of this technique. I am going to walk you through my process of how you can gather the information to actually put the technique to use.
A quick love note to my single ladies…
Yes, this lesson is another one that is best used when in a relationship. However, as with everything in this program, I still encourage you to read it and consider the teachings. And just tuck away this information for a sexy rainy day with your future lover.
Especially with this lesson.
I’ve found that while everything in this program serves to deepen both the emotional as well as physical connection in a relationship, this one is probably the most personal.
Step One: Research
Discovering your man’s fantasies require you to put on your researcher hat and take notes. There are two methods you will be doing in this step.
1. Ask him
You can, and should, directly ask him to share his secret fantasies with you. Approach it casually and be prepared to listen…and share yours, too, if he asks.
Honey (or whatever pet name you use), I’d like to ask you something kind of personal.
I’d really like to know what your secret sexual fantasies are. I want to know all of the ways I can turn you on.
He may be willing to just share away right then. Awesome if he does!
He might share one or two vague or general things.
I love seeing you in lingerie.
I fantasize about a woman giving me endless blow-jobs.
Or he might say something like this…
I only fantasize about you, honey.
THAT is really common. He might fear that if you think he thinks of other women or activities that you might balk at, he goes with the safe answer.
Gently push him to share more…
That is so sweet you say that. But I’m sure there are some things you haven’t told me about. I truly want to know because I love you. And this is a judgment-free zone. Want me to tell you one of mine?
Go ahead and be vulnerable. Share something you’ve never told him before. Or give him more details and context about a fantasy you may have partially shared. This creates a safe space for him to open up to you.
Revisit the conversation if he hasn’t been particularly open.
Remember when we talked about fantasies the other day? I’ve thought of another I’d like to tell you about.
Share it and then ask him if he wants to share with you. Make this type of conversation a somewhat regular thing to keep learning about each other.
2. Analyze his preferences
This is where you really go into research mode. While he may tell you some of his fantasies directly, there are other clues that you can gather up based on the sex you are already having.
Here’s an example from my life: My guy and I both like to do it doggie style. Not anything particularly out of the ordinary, right? But here’s the little detail that I finally picked up on. He would always scoot my knees up under me. He never said why, I just let him move my legs in that position. What I finally realized is that he did that so he had a completely unobstructed view of my ass and was able to watch his penis enter me.
This wasn’t a complete fantasy, but, I made the connection that he was highly turned on by my ass and the visual that this position provided. This was key information I could use when I fed his fantasies. I will show in Step Four how I utilized this information.
So what I want you to do is make a list. Answer these questions:
What sexual positions does he favor?
Are there any specific or unique things about the positions he likes?
What hairstyle does he most compliment you on?
What outfit of yours does he request you wear and what body part does it most accentuate?
Has he mentioned certain actresses that he finds attractive? If so, what movie or specific characters does he mention?
What phrases and words does he use often in your dirty talk?
What phrases and words does he use when he climaxes?
What phrases and words do you use during dirty talk that really get him aroused?
Once you have your answers you may realize this exercise has sparked other observations, so write them down!
Step Two: Connect the Dots
Now that you’ve asked him to share his fantasies and you’ve also made many observations and notes about his sexual preferences, it’s time to determine how you will bring the fantasy to life for him.
Understanding the themes of his fantasies are very important. You might think it’s just about re-enacting a specific scene or activity he’s described. Which you can absolutely do!
However, like I mentioned at the beginning, sometimes our fantasies aren’t exactly literal. They might appear confusing or random. Also, there might specific things he shares with you that cross a boundary.
For example, a lot of men fantasize about being with two women at the same time. However, not every woman is comfortable actually participating in a threesome. Just because you aren’t willing to have a threesome, you can still bring that fantasy to life for him in some way.
At the core of the threesome fantasy is actually a desire to be sexually worshipped and be able to display remarkable prowess. To sexually satisfy two women? That takes talent, skill, and stamina!
Because you understand the core theme, with a little creativity, there are several ways you can incorporate it! More on that in Step Four 🙂
First, you need to determine the patterns and themes.
Look for patterns like:
Does he have a strong preference for being dominant? Does he consistently take a strong, commanding and aggressive demeanor with you?
Does he show you he prefers being submissive? Language or consistent responsiveness to you being the aggressor. Strong attraction to a dominant female character/actress.
What body part of yours does he fixate on?
Is there commonality between the celebrities he’s attracted to? Demureness, girl next door, wild woman, overtly sexual or highly virginal?
Of the fantasies he’s shared, what themes show up and what desires are at the core? It could be to be worshipped, it might be adventure, it could be control over a woman.
Look over your notes and determine one or two major themes to his fantasies.
Common ones are:
Being dominant (commanding, controlling, BDSM)
Being submissive (he wants you to dominate him)
Being worshipped (threesomes, definite preference watching you give him oral, particularly kneeling before him)
Seducing a virginal woman (likes the girl nextdoor, likes hair in pigtails, turned on by the schoolgirl outfit)
Exhibitionism (sex in public or unusual places, being secretly taped or watched by others)
Voyeurism (secretly watching other people have sex, secretly watching you masturbate)
Now that you know the theme of his fantasies, you can bring it to life in a way that turns him on but doesn’t cross a boundary for you.
Step Four: Bring the fantasy to life
In this final step, you are going to take the reins and figure out how to make his fantasy a reality. I wish I could write it all out for specifically for you but I can’t without knowing your unique info. However, I have faith that your diligent research has given you all of the information you need.
What I can do is share how I would create a real-life fantasy based on some common themes, including the personal one I shared with you.
The Voyeur Fantasy
If your man has a desire to secretly watch other people have sex, there are a couple of ways you can bring it to life without actually spying on other people (without their knowledge anyways).
In most major cities, there are adult social clubs centered around sexual fetishes and fantasies. If you are daring, you can do some Google searches and possibly find an event to attend. Voyeurism and exhibitionism are commonly combined. Where the exhibitionist couple has sex in the open while the voyeurs observe (openly or via “secret” windows).
If that sounds too scary (or it’s not available near you), you can get creative with a little make-believe. Put on a porn or erotic movie that shows people have sex. Role play that they are in person and you are secretly watching them. It may sound silly but the power of imagination works!
Ask your man to step outside your room but peak in behind a partially closed door as you masturbate as if he isn’t there watching you. If that feels too vulnerable, use phone sex instead. Let him “listen secretly” as you pleasure yourself.
The Threesome Fantasy
If this fantasy is beyond your comfort zone, you can still bring it to life without having an actual menage a trois.
Watch a movie together that has a lengthy threesome scene in it. Have sex while you watch it. He can visually be stimulated by the action on the screen while being physically pleasured by you.
Write an Erotic Action Movie that features the two of you taking part in a threesome. Deliver via text, phone, or Skype. Make sure to describe in detail the other woman. Focus on how he satisfies you both. Use your imagination to describe the sex scene between you and her. Face it, you know better than he does what cunnilingus feels like and the techniques that work. Use that!
The Exhibitionist Fantasy
If you are completely willing to live this fantasy for him, do a Google search for a social sex club in your area. Most major cities have them. You can join the club or attend a private event and have sex while people watch you.
That may not be your cup of tea, so another way you can bring that fantasy to life is to role-play that you are having sex in public. Getting busy in a different area of the house can provide a new thrill. Leaving a window open with the blinds up (even if nobody can see you) is also risky.
You can also park your car on a secluded street or empty parking lot where the chances of getting caught are minimal. Although, full disclosure here, I did that once and was startled by an officer tapping on the car window. Oops!
One other way to bring it to life is write an Erotic Action Movie where you have sex in a public place (I actually describe doing it in a restaurant for you).
Dom/Sub and BDSM
This fantasy scares a lot of people but there are so many ways to have fun with it! I actually enjoy the Dom/sub fantasy quite a bit and devoted an entire lesson to it in this module!
Characters and Roleplaying
If you’ve determined there is a specific character or type of woman your man fantasizes about, bring that persona to life for him!
Purchase an outfit, buy a wig or style your hair in the manner he likes, adopt her mannerisms. Become this persona! Use the lessons from Module Two about channeling sex symbols to get into character.
Specific Body Parts
I mentioned my particular situation with my guy who was highly turned on by my ass and watching himself have sex.
I went out and purchased some super cute thong and G-string underwear. And then gave him a fashion show. I also sent him pics of cute panties to get his “opinion”.
I bought a curve-hugging dress that totally showcased my butt. It was way more revealing than I would ever have been comfortable wearing in public. But I put it on and served him his favorite home-cooked meal in it. I made sure to do a lot of exaggerated posing and bending over so he could admire my “ass”ets during the meal.
I knew he loved watching himself penetrate me. So I made sure to talk about that specifically during our texting. And anytime I used dirty talk. I painted a vivid picture of what it felt like and how much I enjoyed knowing he was watching.
I also got a few mirrors and placed them in strategic locations in the bedroom. I made a point, too, of having sex in front of mirrors when possible. Including using the reflection off kitchen appliances by doing it in the kitchen.
Final Note
As I always like to say, there is no wrong way to do any of these exercises. With bringing his fantasies to life, you don’t need to worry about getting it “perfect” before trying it out. Like most things regarding sex, it’s a learning process. Be open to experimentation and pay attention to the specific things that turn him AND you on. And then build from there!
