Have you heard that folk story about boiling a frog? It goes that you can’t throw a frog into a pot of boiling water, he’ll jump right out. So if you want to successfully boil a frog, put him in lukewarm water and slowly dial up the heat.
Ok, that’s kind of a graphic picture. We aren’t cooking anyone!
But let me ask you, is your man shy or really conservative? Especially when it comes to sex? Despite what you may think, there are men out there who aren’t super sexed-up…
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- He may have grown up in a very conservative or strictly religious household where sexuality was treated as something bad or shameful
- He may have had a past relationship with a woman who was shut down sexually which made him shut down, too
- He may not be super experienced – there are some men out there who’ve only had a few partners
- He may have a low libido due to hormonal shifts, medical stuff, or erectile dysfunction
- He also just may be shy and never had a partner show him how to experiment, explore, and have fun with sex openly
Think about that for a second. What pressure that must be for a guy who lives in a culture where the Alpha-macho guy is the ideal. Men are expected to be masterful lovers and be able to woo any woman they decide they want. Wow. That’s a lot to live up to. Even if he bucks the standard, there is still something deep in his psyche telling him he’s “supposed” to know how to please a woman.
But for the reasons listed above (and many other possibilities), he might fall way short of the Alpha-male stereotype. And that could be a big reason why he isn’t sexually aggressive with you.
This lesson also applies when you are newly dating someone. You don’t want to show off your most spectacularly wild techniques right from the get go in some situations.
You want to dole out these sexual fireworks at thoughtful intervals. Methodically showing him bit by bit just how sexy you can be. If he plays his cards right.
With any of these scenarios, if the first thing you did was drop a sex-bomb on him like Verbal Viagra he’d probably freak out. He’d hop right out of that boiling water! That’s what this technique is all about…using a measured approach to sloooowwwwllly dial up the heat. I’ve created a 21-day plan that will get things hot without him hopping away…
Days One to Seven: Setting the Stage
To start out, this week I’m going to have you send a few playful texts. I want you to keep this at a PG level. Sweet and flirty!
You are going to compliment him and make him feel masculine with these messages.
Start your text with something like:
I admire…
I adore…
What I love about you…
I appreciate…
I really like…
I enjoy…
I’m crazy about…
I value…
You are the best at..
I respect…
And follow up that with something you genuinely want to compliment him about. Men love feeling respected and acknowledged for their accomplishments, hard work, AND how they make you feel.
…how hard you work to provide for our family.
…how much you do around the house.
…your integrity. It’s a rare trait!
…your passion for your career.
…how much you love your kids.
…doing the yard work and chores I don’t like 🙂
…your willingness to always help someone you care about.
…your sense of humor. You always can make me laugh 🙂
…how much you care about your health.
…your intelligence.
…how you care about our community.
…you will always kill a spider and not laugh at my fear of them!
When it comes to feelings, tell him how he makes you feel from your heart 🙂
You make me feel…
…safe
…loved
…appreciated
…beautiful
…sexy
…cared for
…understood
…like a queen
And remember…a little objectifying goes a long way! 😉
I really like…
I’m crazy about…
I adore…
…your scruffy beard. It’s hot 🙂
…how well you take care of your body. Looking good, mister 🙂
…your strong arms, especially when you hold me close 🙂
…how cute your butt looks in those new jeans 😉
…your soulful eyes
…your chiseled jaw
…that new haircut
…your broad shoulders
You can leave it there or follow it up with something like…
…I’m so thankful
…I’m a lucky woman
…You’re the best
…I love you so much
Do this at least two to three times during the week. Ideally, once in the beginning of the week, and once close to the weekend.
His response isn’t really important. He may send a simple thank you, he may reply with a compliment of his own. You are just pique-ing his interest here and training him that sometimes a text from you will be a flirty or sweet surprise.
Days Eight to 12: Turn Up the Heat a Few Degrees
So far, you’ve sweetly let him know you are thinking about him. Now you are going to turn up the heat just a little with some texts to build anticipation.
These texts aren’t going to be graphic. They are still flirty but just a little more directed at sex than the first week.
I can’t stop thinking about your…
…sexy lips. I love how you kiss me 🙂
…satisfied smile last night
…touch. You know exactly how to make my body sing 😉
You’ve got me so distracted…
…I think I need a cold shower 😉
…just thinking about being alone with you
…remembering last Thursday night
I smile when I think about…
…what I wish you were doing to me right now.
…our romantic getaway last month. Damn, it was steamy 😉
…letting you have your way with me 😉
You turn me on with your…
…bedroom eyes. I know exactly what’s on your mind when you look at me like that.
…kisses. They make me want to surrender to you 😉
…strong hands. So manly yet gentle. And a little naughty 😉
The point with your texts this week is to ramp up his desire when he hears his phone buzz with a text from you. Building on what happened last week, your text prompts may lead to some dialogue back and forth. But…if he doesn’t reply with sexy messages of his own, it’s okay. He is now learning how texting is a sexy communication tool and he may not feel comfortable yet.
If he only replies with a smiley face or short sentences, don’t worry that he doesn’t like it. He still may be unsure of how to engage with you. Ask him easy questions after your messages that he can answer with a yes or no.
Does that sound fun?
Are you smiling too?
Do you like that?
Want to do that tonight?
Days 13 to 18: The Slow Boil
Now it’s time to venture into more graphic territory. By now, he should be used to getting sexy messages from you. Using digital at this point gives him the chance to build his confidence, so keep it to texting unless he takes the lead and talks dirty in person.
Talking about the senses is a great way to get his mind exactly where you want it.
If you’ve recently had sex, one thing that works is to recall a specific moment, sensation, or feeling from your time together. You can also build anticipation for next time.
I can’t stop thinking about…
…the amazing orgasm you gave me. I’m still quivering remembering it.
…the wonderful way your tongue feels when it explores my body.
…the look on your face when you came. I love watching you climax.
…you and your amazing penis 😉
…how good it felt when you took me from behind, grabbing my hips, and getting so deep.
…wrapping my mouth around your dick and hearing you moan in pleasure.
Do you have any idea…
…just how turned on you get me?
…how drop-dead sexy I find you?
…how hot it was when you looked me straight in the eyes as you slowly entered me inch by delicious inch?
…how amazing you feel inside me?
When you get home tonight…
…I am going to rip off your pants and have my way with you! 😉
…don’t say a word. Just push me against the wall and kiss me deeply.
…we are skipping dinner and going straight for dessert.
I can’t wait…
…for Friday. We have the house to ourselves and I am so turned on thinking of everything I want you to do to me.
…to be naked in bed with you.
…to feel your body on top of mine.
The goal with your messages this week is to increase the passion level and get him comfortable sexting with you. Use his replies to gauge his comfort level. If he engages in dirty dialogue, awesome! Keep going 🙂 Feel free to ask him questions and lead the conversation…
If you were here with me, tell me what you’d be doing to my body.
What dirty thoughts are running through your mind right now?
If we were together, what would you want me to do?
If he only replies with a smiley face or short sentences, don’t worry that he doesn’t like it. He still may be unsure of how to engage with you. Remember, ask him easy questions after your dirty messages he can answer with a yes or no.
Does that turn you on?
Are you turned on right now?
Do you like that idea?
Are you looking forward to Saturday like I am?
Would that feel good?
Would you like that?
Did you enjoy that?
Want me to keep going?
If he isn’t writing his own sexy messages back to you, wait a couple of days before sending another dirty text.
Days 19 to 21: Put Him on Simmer
Logically, you’d think the next step would be to move to face to face dirty talk or keep things moving in the raunchy direction.
Not necessarily.
If he moves things forward, GREAT! Follow his lead. You can take it right on down to DirtyDirty Town if that’s where he goes.
However, if he is still a bit shy and is waiting for you to make the moves, dialing it back to the PG-level builds some tension. He might realize he misses the sexual momentum with you.
Over these next few days, I want you to dial things all the way back to to mere teasing and innuendo. You can tease him by making him think you are about to get dirty but then put surprise him by not taking up a notch. Do you remember this example from the Tease chapter a bit ago? It applies here…
Example:
You: I can’t stop thinking about…
Him: Yeah? 😉
You: How excited I am to see the new Brad Pitt movie.
Him: Oh.
You: What did you think I was going to say? 😉
Or tease him like this:
You: Oh wow…
Him: What?
You: It’s pouring out! I just got so wet running to the car.
Him: Oh really? 😉
You: Get your mind out of the gutter, mister. I’m talking about the weather! 😉
You can also return back to texts that compliment him on non-sexual things like you did in the first seven days.
Tease. Flirt. Be playful. But keep it sweet and innocent. You can do this over text, phone, and in person.
Yes, this is likely going to confuse him. It may even frustrate him. That’s totally fine. You want to keep him guessing from time to time. This keeps him engaged and eager to hear when your naughty side will return.
Next Steps
After going through this 21-day exercise, you now have insights on what language he responds well to. Continue to use flirting and dirty talk to build his confidence.
I suggest you add in some of the other lessons. The Tease Intensifier, the Erotic Action Movie, or Pavlov’s Erection are great next steps.
No matter what, I recommend you continue to change things up and try out new ideas! Always keep in mind the balance between teasing and full-on raunch. Alternating between the two extremes will keep him intrigued!
HAVE FUN! 🙂
