In the previous lesson, I introduced you to some info on brain chemistry (hey, if you skipped it, go read it). Oxytocin is one of the hormones that gets released in our brains when we are bonding with another person.
It’s called the “cuddle hormone” because it enhances feelings of emotional connectedness and trust. New moms release oxytocin when they nurse their infants, for example. Women and men get a blast of oxytocin after making out, cuddling, and having sex.
Along with feelings of connectedness, desire and arousal can increase right along with the oxytocin surge.
Now, women typically release higher levels of this hormone than men do. Also, estrogen has an enhancing effect on oxytocin whereas testosterone minimizes it. This gives some explanation why women feel more emotionally tied to their sexual partners than men sometimes do. But men do experience oxytocin, too.
Think about if you’ve dated someone who was totally wrong for you. Like the guy was a disrespectful idiot who wanted totally different things in life than you. No future and you knew it. However, after sleeping with him, you couldn’t help but notice the “amazing connection” you felt with him. Here’s the thing…he was still a jerkface. That feeling of the “amazing connection” was the oxytocin talkin’.
So the cuddle hormone can definitely influence how we feel about someone!
Before we jump into the heart of this lesson, it’s important for me to tell you that learning and taking advantage of brain chemistry is not dangerous or manipulative. You aren’t altering his fate or playing with fire here.
Rather, understanding how these hormones already work in both of your systems is just giving you a means to enhance your connection. The release of oxytocin doesn’t make him feel high or different in any noticeable way.
I should also point out that it is possible to get oxytocin from a doctor in a nasal spray form. They prescribe it mostly to aid new mothers who are having trouble breastfeeding. I do NOT recommend using oxytocin this way for the purposes of connecting to your mate.
Getting the cuddle hormone flowing
Oxytocin does get released in big surges during orgasm. But it’s also released in a whole variety of activities, including:
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- kissing
- holding hands
- cuddling
- hugging
- watching an emotionally intense movie
- dancing with your partner
- doing a heart-pumping activity together, like riding a rollercoaster or go-kart racing
One of the keys to any of these things on the list is making eye contact. When you make eye contact at the same time, it increases the oxytocin release.
The more you incorporate these activities in your life, the more cuddle hormone is present in you both.
Now it’s time to teach you my cuddle hormone extravaganza: The Electric Connection.
Step One: Plan an Oxytocin-infused Date
This is really the perfect lesson for you single ladies as dating is part of your life. But you married lovelies can absolutely put this to good use!
Looking over the list above, pick out something to do on your date. You can go out dancing or take a salsa lesson. If a theme park is near, go eat carnival food and ride the rollercoaster. If you are baller status, book a helicopter ride over the city at sunset. You could even just have a cozy movie night at home selecting a dramatic romance like The Notebook.
During your chosen activity, hold hands, kiss, cuddle and make eye contact a lot. Obviously without making it look like you are challenging him to a staring contest, ha!
But try to naturally catch his gaze, look in his eyes and smile. Even say “I love you”. This all ups the oxytocin levels in you both.
Step Two: After-date Sex
Whether you have to drive back home, or you’re staying in a hotel, or you’re still snuggled on the couch post-movie, once the activity part of the date is over, that’s when you are moving on to sexy time.
Obviously most of this program is dedicated to raunchy, dirty fun. However, this particular exercise is deeply connecting and erotic. You’ve already gotten your cuddle hormone flowing by the first part of the date, now it’s time to take it off the charts.
The one singular requirement of this sex session is that you are going to be making eye contact during orgasm. If you are one of the lucky women who can orgasm from intercourse at the same time as your man, awesome. If you’re like most of us, the eye contact is going to happen during HIS orgasm (and hopefully he goes down on you like a champ first so you get yours).
Eye contact during sex and orgasm is actually a tantric sex practice that goes back thousands of years. It is highly erotic and takes special concentration to hold each other’s gaze.
Tell him before you get started that you want to be looking into each other’s eyes when he climaxes. And yes, it may be a challenge since a lot of people like to close their eyes when they cum.
He may question why you want to try this, tell him you read an article about tantric sex and the idea of this ancient method intrigues you.
Missionary position is great for this technique. However, you can be standing up, straddling his lap, or really any position where you are face to face.
When he’s ready to climax, you may have to remind him to keep his eyes open. Again, this isn’t staring contest eye lock. It’s softer and sensual…even soulful.
The oxytocin rush he will experience by orgasming while making eye contact with you is really out of this world. Don’t be surprised if he collapses, burying his face in your hair or if both of you get weepy. This is super intense stuff. And it connects you to each other in a wonderfully erotic way.
If you aren’t going to have sex yet…
If you are newly dating and don’t plan to sleep with your date, that’s totally cool. You can still use this lesson to your attraction advantage!
Once you’ve finished with step one, instead of sex, plan to take time for a hot makeout session. The hormones will already be bubbling from the activity of your date. So chances are, this makeout will be pretty hot and heavy.
Make sure to pull away every so often and gaze into his eyes. This keeps the oxytocin flowing. It may seem cruel to end your evening (and it actually might be difficult…for you both!). However, walking away while in the throes of desire really fan those flames of attraction.
