One last little bit of housekeeping before we jump into the delicious realm of desires and dirty talk. We need to spend a little time setting up the ground rules. YOUR ground rules.
Boundaries are required in every healthy relationship. And sexual boundaries are critical. Even in long-term relationships and marriage.
Look, a lot of the advice out there about dirty talk and pleasing a man encourages you to act like a porn star and say “fuck” a lot…which isn’t exactly a turn-on for a lot of people. Sure, it can be, but it’s just a little narrow in scope. That kind of advice doesn’t take into account your rich sexual imagination nor does it take your comfort zone into account. And it assumes your man just has one kind of fantasy.
Lucky for you, I know the real deal on the complexity of a man’s sex drive AND how exciting your sex life can be even if you don’t want to say the word “fuck”.
Knowing what turns you on is only the beginning
Taking time to determine activities that you are and are not willing to engage in is where you start to develop your ground rules. And somewhere in the middle, between the absolute Yes’s and the definite No’s, are things that you aren’t totally sure about. With the right partner, under the right circumstance, you might be willing to consider some of those ideas.
Going through the worksheets and quizzes in this module get you thinking about what turns you on. The information you gather is totally your own, there is no score. And your answers can definitely evolve over time.
Boundaries with texting
With smart phones, you essentially have instant access to your lover via text and images. This is a great thing. Actually texting is one of the easiest ways to spice up an ordinary day. But texting without boundaries can also lead to problems.
Texting is also now the most common method of communicating when you are dating. It’s fun and easy to connect over a series of texts before you decide to meet face to face. So special attention is required here for those of you in the dating trenches!
It is important to think through your sexual boundaries before you are in the heat of the moment. It’s easy to get swept up in all of that energy and adrenaline and take something to the point that you may later regret.
Here is a real-life example.
Julia met Kevin at a mutual acquaintance’s party. They hit it off immediately and he had asked her for a date within 10 minutes of meeting. They had two dates in quick succession and Julia was already smitten.
Shortly after their second date, Kevin had to travel out of town on business. Based on their highly-charged makeout sessions after each date, their sexual chemistry was undeniable. To keep the momentum going, Kevin turned from flirting to full-blown sexting while he was out of town that week.
“I want you to tell me exactly what we’d be doing if you were in this hotel room with me,” Kevin baited her.
This was her first time talking this way and while she was a little nervous, Kevin made it easy. She trusted him even though they hadn’t known each other long. It was thrilling to let herself be so bold!
By day two of his trip, Kevin requested a partially nude photo of Julia.
“Confession? I can’t stop thinking of how much that green top hugged your curves on our last date. Tease me with a little pic of what I can’t touch right now? :)”
Even though she was uncomfortable with the idea and swore she wouldn’t do such a thing, Julia gave in to Kevin’s request. After all, it was just her boobs and not her face. His response was VERY enthusiastic which made her feel better. They continued to text and saw each other once when he returned to town. Things were still flirty and fun. And they made vague plans to “get together soon.”
But that would be their final date. Kevin put the brakes on the budding relationship, citing “a very big project at work” and things quickly fizzled. Leaving Julia confused and anxious.
Julia was now left with the knowledge that some guy she barely knows has a picture of her breasts and explicit dialogue on his phone. It was a lesson learned the hard way. Now she has a strict boundary in place of NO nude (or semi-nude) photos sent via text when first dating someone.
So, am I telling you to never send sexy pics to a man via text? No.
Sometimes adding a visual to the conversation can be a lot of fun. However, you need to understand that once you’ve sent it, you have no control over where that image may end up. Yes, even with a long-term boyfriend or husband.
Phones can get lost or stolen. And people you trust today can do hurtful things if a relationship goes bad in the future.
My advice? Don’t send anything you wouldn’t be comfortable with ending up online. Seriously. If that notion makes you shudder with massive anxiety, you have your answer about where you stand with photos.
Boundaries outside of photos and sexting
Through naughty conversations and role-playing you may discover something you didn’t even realize was a turn-on. That is just one of the awesome side effects of experimenting.
Keep in mind that just because you TALK about it, doesn’t mean you are consenting to actually doing the physical act.
Knowing this frees you up to really cut loose and see where the conversation goes. If role playing is new for you, it’s a good idea to discuss this concept of talking vs. doing with your partner.
For example, say you have a fantasy of sex in public with a high risk of getting caught. Let him know that the idea of him fucking you on the hood of the car along the busy interstate gets you wet. Which doesn’t mean you actually are handing him the keys and suggesting you go for a drive.
Just the act of talking it through is a turn-on. Even play acting it in your garage could be a lot of fun. You get to think through your boundaries and then be creative in how you bring the fantasy to your sex life.
In the upcoming modules, you’ll have lots of opportunity to let your raunchiest fantasies come to life in ways that are still in your comfort zone.
And hey, if I drive down the highway and see you getting busy on the shoulder, I’ll just keep on driving 😉
One valid concern is what to do if the dirty talk goes a little too far…
If you have a particularly adventurous conversation, and later decide you aren’t sure how you feel about, here is what I recommend.
1. Take a few minutes to understand why you aren’t comfortable. It could be some old belief-systems that make you feel like your fantasy was wrong or bad. It could be that you felt that way in the moment but later in a non-sexy moment you feel vulnerable. Remember: there is no wrong answer but thinking it through gives you powerful information about your desires.
2. Consider talking to your partner about it. Not everyone is comfortable discussing sex, I get that. But talking about your sexual connection can enrich your relationship. And I mean talking about it from a more intellectual standpoint, not dirty talk. Let him know if you’ve discovered a surprise turn-on that you might want to explore further. Also, tell him if you are feeling unsure of a particular conversation.
Your sexuality is your own and embracing it (both mentally and physically) can be a fluid process (pun intended…haha). Just because the idea of being tied up and ravished by your lover turns you on one day does not mean that you are required to always find that situation sexy or desirable.
Also, when it comes to talking dirty, you don’t have to curse like a sailor. Swearing and graphic language aren’t required to turn up the heat. In each module, I show you how to tailor your dialogue to your own preference.
One woman’s boundaries should look different than another woman’s. And really? Her boundaries are noneya bizness. If you are firmly in the vanilla category, that’s great! If you are fascinated by kinky fetishy stuff? That’s great, too!
The bottom line is that I want you to be a strong, sexual woman who is adventurous AND knows her limits.
To further explore what turns you on and what you hadn’t even thought of before, make sure to check out the sexploration quiz and the What Turns You On worksheet in this module.
Now that we’ve demolished some fears and discussed boundaries, it’s time to take action with the next lesson: The Madonna Moan.
