This is a special technique if you’ve been friend-zoned by a man you are attracted to.
There are a couple of friend-zone scenarios that I want to outline, because while you may be in the same zone, the ease with which you get out of it is slightly different.
Scenario 1: You chose to friend-zone him
Maybe you met while you were already in a relationship. Maybe you met at work where dating was a no-no. Maybe he’s been your buddy for several years and the attraction developed over time. The point is… you chose to some degree to just be friends with him. But now you’ve realized there could be some romantic potential.
Scenario 2: He chose to friend-zone you
He’s the guy friend you’ve always had a crush on, but he just treats you like one of the guys or like a little sister. You have felt that spark with him, but he has only ever wanted to be friends.
I am going to tell you that it is going to be slightly easier to get out of the friend-zone if you were the one who initially chose it. It’s not impossible to change his mind if yours is scenario #2, you just have a few obstacles to tackle along the way.
Outside of a logistical reason (i.e. one of you is already attached), a woman generally gets friend-zoned when there isn’t an immediate sexual attraction. He probably enjoys things about who you are, he just doesn’t dream about seeing you naked… most likely.
It’s the same reason we friend-zone a guy. We probably think he’s nice or funny, maybe even cute, but he isn’t getting us all hot-n-bothered.
Now this may sting a little bit… but some guys also do kind of a messed up thing where they judge whether a woman is “attractive enough” to be with. Like would his friends think you’re hot? Would he be proud to walk around with you on his arm? I cringe even writing it. But it’s an unfortunate reality and a possibility for why you’ve been friend-zoned.
Does this mean that if you aren’t conventionally pretty or carry extra weight that you are forever doomed to be in the friend-zone with this guy? No. You can counteract this problem through your confidence. And that is what this technique is all about.
Step One: Stop being his buddy
If you hang out to watch the game in your sweats or generally do things with him as “one of the guys,” stop immediately.
To change his perception of you from friend to potential lover, you need to reframe how he sees you. That means curtailing the “buddy time” to a degree. Can you still hang out? Yes. It just won’t be as often if you spend tons of time together currently.
Along with not hanging out like one of the guys, you need to pull back on what you share. That means adding a little mystery. If you are close and talk daily, don’t tell him every single detail of your day. When you go out with other friends, don’t check in every hour and be purposely vague at times about what you are up to. Give him the chance to wonder a little bit about you.
Step Two: Put effort into your appearance
Sure, one of the great bonuses of having an awesome guy friend is that you can be yourself and not spend hours primping before seeing him. However, you want him to sit up and take notice of you in a different way. So when you do spend time with him, take time to look good.
Makeup, hair, flattering outfit, jewelry, sultry perfume. Get ready like you would for a date.
This also means taking care of your health. If you aren’t happy carrying excess weight, now is the time to embark on a healthy eating and exercise plan. This does NOT mean crash diets and becoming a complete gym rat. Just put in the effort to transform into the healthiest version of YOU you can be.
Step Three: Be friends and date other guys!
If you’ve been obsessing about wanting to get romantic with your guy friend, chances are he’s picked up on it to some degree. And that can feel like pressure to him. What you need to do is take all of that pressure off of him… so much so that there is ZERO pressure because you are interested in other guys.
Even though you want to be more than friends, you need to authentically adopt the attitude that you are ONLY friends. Stop daydreaming about your future wedding and get busy living in the now.
If you are a chronic daydreamer, get yourself a rubber band and put it around your wrist. Each time you drift into a romantic reverie, snap that rubber band. Hard.
If you aren’t already, go create an online dating profile. It’s the easiest way to nearly immediately conjure up a line of guys beating down your virtual door to date you (FYI check out the Online Allure Formula for an awesome step-by-step guide to online dating success).
Let your guy friend know you are dating. Don’t go into tremendous amounts of detail about it (like you would dish to a buddy), but casually tell him you joined a site and have met a few interesting men.
Step Four: Flirt with him
At this point, he’s probably noticed something has changed with you. You no longer hang out in your scrubby clothes with him at a moment’s notice, when you do hang out, you look like a million bucks… and he knows you are out there being courted by other men, men who don’t see you as their buddy, men who see you as a sexy and desirable romantic possibility.
Chances are he’s started thinking of you in a slightly different way. Maybe he’s even begun to wonder why he isn’t dating you.
Now you are going to test the waters with a little flirting and innuendo. This may feel weird at first and definitely requires confidence, but I know you can do it!
Compliment him on how he looks.
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- That new haircut is pretty sexy.
- You look very manly with that 5 o’clock shadow.
- Those jeans look… wow, they look nice on you.
- I have to tell you that your hard work in the gym is paying off.
- You look very handsome in that suit and tie.
Tell him he finds you attractive. This one is hard to do but works! The trick is to wink or laugh when you say/text it. It’s playful, not over-confident.
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- I love that truck of yours. I look good riding shotgun 😉
- I saw you checking me out in this dress. It’s ok, I don’t blame you 😉
- I know it’s distracting when I look this good 😉
- Totally random, but I had a dream we made out (or had sex). It was quite something!
Look for opportunities to make sexual jokes and innuendo. Even if they are silly like Michael Scott in The Office. He is your friend, so it’s okay to be goofy with him.
Years ago, I had a crush on a guy I’d met professionally. We developed a friendship, but things were definitely stuck in the friend-zone. One night, we went out to play pool together. (I highly recommend playing pool with your guy friend — more on that in a sec).
It was my turn to rack. I was leaning over the table (totally flashing cleavage) and adjusting the rack just so. I knew he was watching me so I looked up at him and said “Are you admiring my nice rack?” and laughed. He was caught off guard and totally cracked up. But it added a little sexual tension to the game for sure.
Obvious flirting with him may be enough to get him to make a move out of the friend-zone. Judge his reactions and responses as objectively as possible. If he starts to flirt back, that’s a great sign!
If he doesn’t, you don’t have to give up hope yet.
Step Five: Do activities together
I told you to curtail the vague “buddy” hangouts. What you can do instead is get out and do a focused activity, like a friendly “date.”
Like you learned in the Cuddle Hormone lesson, doing new activities together has a chemical effect on the brain. Re-read that lesson if you need a refresher on the concepts. But I want you to invite your guy friend to go do some friendly competitive activities with you. Things like…
- Playing pool: This is a game totally designed to check each other out. When you are leaning across the table showing some cleavage or bending over to take your shot (totally showcasing your booty)… make sure to make eye contact and smile.
- Shooting darts: Again, great opportunities to let him check you out. As you step up to take your turn, glance back at him over your shoulder and say, “Watch this!” Darts are an easy game that anyone can play, no need for athletic prowess. Bonus: you can touch his hand when you hand over the darts.
- Driving range: If you aren’t a golfer and he is, this is perfect. He will need to get close to you in order to help you with your swing. Lots of opportunity to innocently touch each other. And whenever you can, make eye contact!
There are lots of other fun things you can go do together, like bowling, go kart racing, miniature golf, or the batting cages. Anything that gives a chance to be a little competitive, check out each other’s bodies, and touch will amp up the Cuddle Hormone between you.
Step Six: Lay it on the table
This is the scariest step. Because after doing all of the other work, if he hasn’t made a move on you, there is a chance you may get rejected. However, there is also the chance that he’s waiting for a clear invitation from you. After all, you’ve started treating him differently, and he knows you are dating other guys.
So, if after all of this time when you’ve been dating other men, you still carry a big torch for his guy who hasn’t made a move, you need to either get an answer or cut your losses and move on.
I’ve been in this situation before. And when it got to this point, I had already realized we were only ever going to be friends. And I opted to move on without making a bold declaration. But if you are the type of person who needs a definite answer, here are a few possible ways to give him that clear invitation:
Next time you hug goodbye, pull away a bit and look him in the eye. You can say, “Funny, I think I want to kiss you right now.”
Tell him your last hangout felt like a date. Ask him if he noticed that at all.
Tell him you went on a date with a guy and you found yourself thinking about him instead.
Or you could just really be bold and tell him you have romantic feelings for him.
How do you know his answer? Well, he’s either going to kiss you, tell you that he thinks of you in a dating sense too, or tell you he has romantic feelings back.
If he doesn’t kiss you, or changes the subject, or tells you he doesn’t want to “ruin the friendship…” you have your answer.
And while you might be terribly disappointed that this guy only wants to be friends, you can take heart in the fact that you’ve been feeling sexy, meeting other men, and working toward being your healthiest and most spiffed-up self. And you can finally move on with a clear answer!
