Pornography is a controversial topic. I’ve got a lot of opinions about it, not all of which are right to discuss here. I bring it up, however, because it is one of the most misunderstood issues in a relationship, and so many women ask me about it.
Some Sobering Statistics About Porn
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- Porn is a multi-billion dollar industry, about $57 billion worldwide
- 1 in 8 online searches are for erotic content
- According to general surveys, 70% of men and 30% of women watch porn
- It’s estimated that 68% of young men and 18% of young women watch porn once per week
- 30% of all data transferred over the Internet is porn
Now, I’m not here to say whether porn is good or bad. I am going to say that the numbers don’t lie.
The reality is that the man you are involved with has watched porn and probably still does, despite what he may tell you.
Why Most Women Totally Misunderstand Porn
I shared my own painful story about porn and how it affected me in my relationship on the website for this program. In case you missed it, I will share it again.
I caught my boyfriend watching porn online after we’d had sex, and I was devastated. I couldn’t understand why he was jacking off to these women onscreen when I was just down the hall, naked in our bed.
I felt ashamed.
I felt ugly.
I thought his watching porn meant he didn’t find me attractive.
Sure, he was with me, but the skinny, fake-boobed, tiny-waisted, no-cellulite young girls on those videos were who he was REALLY attracted to. I was sure of it. I was wracked with anxiety that every time he closed his eyes when we had sex, he was wishing he was having sex with one of THEM instead of plain ol’ me.
That was my first mistake.
When I made the fateful decision to put aside my own ideas about his sex drive and really study and learn the truth about him and men in general, I figured something out very quickly.
Men DO NOT watch porn because they think those actresses are prettier than their wife or girlfriend.
In fact, it is usually FAR from the case!
If you are like most women, that is the first thing you presume, right? That he’s watching porn (or looking at Playboy or going to strip clubs) because he wishes you looked like those women.
Women tend to get threatened by porn because we take it as a personal judgment. It’s like a knee-jerk reaction because we live in a society where we are inundated with the message that our worth is directly proportional to our physical appearance.
The prettier (and skinnier) we are, the “better” we are. So, it’s no wonder we jump to the conclusion that men watch porn because they find these women’s looks to be a turn-on and secretly wish we looked like them. Wrong!
Okay, this isn’t to say that he doesn’t find them attractive. Let’s face it, some of those women are drop-dead gorgeous . But trust me, his looking at “hot naked chicks” is not him casting judgment on your appearance.
I didn’t believe this at first myself. So I asked my man panel – the guys I know who have given me lots of inside info. And you know what? They ALL told me the same thing.
Things like…
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- “I think my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world. And yes, I watch porn a few times a week.”
- “Porn stars and strippers aren’t what I consider pretty or beautiful.”
- “No WAY would I want my girlfriend to dress like that or do her makeup or hair that way.”
- “I don’t watch porn because I think the women are hot. I actually prefer to watch ‘normal-looking’ women in porn when I have the choice.”
They aren’t watching porn because they wished their wife or girlfriend looked like those women. Sure, they found some of them attractive to some degree (but actually, some guys are pretty turned off by the whole fake “porn star” look) but they absolutely still thought their real-life women were gorgeous.
Without question, they all said the reason they watch porn isn’t because they thought those girls were hot.
I was pretty dumbstruck by this revelation. And, because I was on a mission to truly understand my man, I accepted it as truth. And really, it felt like a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders to have faith that my boyfriend wasn’t secretly wishing I looked like a porn star.
Quick Note — Because we women internalize his porn-watching this way, it’s easy to understand why, for a lot of us, our man watching porn is nearly equal to cheating in our minds. We feel like he’s choosing these women over us, and that makes us mad. Actually, let me rephrase that, it makes us really f*cking PISSED OFF! How dare he choose these porn stars over a living, breathing woman!
Isn’t a relief to finally understand that, for the overwhelming majority of guys, watching porn is not at all about choosing another woman over his real-life one? I know it was a giant relief to me when I finally understood it.
If It’s Not About Looks, What is Porn About?
In a nutshell, porn is about fantasies of prowess, surrender, and seduction. Remember in the previous lesson about men’s sex drive? Porn movies (for straight men) are filmed specifically to appeal to a man’s sex drive.
More on that in a second.
First, though, I think it’s a good idea to understand that men like to watch porn for some physiological reasons, too.
The short answer is that men’s brains get aroused both by having sex and by watching it. That’s not to say that women don’t get aroused in the same way. Women just tend to have a more complicated arousal response than guys do. But men’s brains are basically wired for easy arousal. Picture of boobs = boner…and there is truth to the notion that men are “visual creatures.”
With the proliferation of porn readily available online, men have a smörgåsbord of nearly instant arousal a few clicks away at all times.
So the first reason why men like porn is that it’s designed to quickly arouse them.
The second reason men consume so much porn goes back to their sex drive.
In the homework part of this module, I’m going to ask you to watch some porn. What I want you to pay attention to is how the scenes are directed. You will notice that aside from the penis, the male actor is really kind of secondary. Sure, he’s most likely the one “doing” a lot of the action. But his responses and reactions don’t take center stage. The camera will focus mostly on the woman.
In a lot of movies, you will find the female character becomes totally overwhelmed with desire because of the man. He causes her to lose all control. He is driving her to the heights of pleasure. Grunt, chest thump, the man’s sexual prowess is totally validated.
This hits the hot buttons of his sex drive. It’s not about how it feels physically or about anything remotely emotional. It is about him causing her pleasure. Him seducing the woman and causing her to give herself over to him completely. And then he gets to f*ck her until she can hardly stand it (or so that is how it seems).
You will also notice that the woman is 100% eager and enthusiastic both in expressing her pleasure (moans and screams) and about pleasing him. Primarily, by giving him a slobbery enthusiastic BJ. That is a HUGE turn-on for guys.
She worships his penis. She WANTS to please him. She can’t even control herself! She gobbles his member up to the back of her throat with gusto! And again, it’s less about how it actually feels for him and more about her need to worship his dick.
She will never make that “ew” face. Or say her jaw hurts. Or complain if some of his salty sailors make a preemptive appearance in her mouth.
The only reason she stops is because HE decides to move to a different activity or position. If he didn’t do that, she’d happily bob her mouth up and down on his unit until he climaxes. No matter how long it took.
Because she is enthralled by his magnificent member.
The way the movies are filmed definitely play into arousing the male viewer. The camera angles generally give a birds-eye view of the action. This is so it’s easy for the viewer to imagine he is the one in the scene, not the actor.
So you see, the action on the screen really has very little (if anything) to do with how the woman looks. What the porn is doing is feeding into his fantasies and how his sexual brain is wired for validation, ego, and accomplishment.
Final Thoughts on Porn
I understand that even after reading this lesson, you may still feel really conflicted about pornography. I’m not trying to change your mind. My goal is to just help you understand why men like porn and how you can turn it into a positive in your relationship.
Does this mean you support your guy watching porn? Not necessarily. Although I will caution you, if he likes to watch porn, strictly forbidding him to do so will only serve to drive a wedge in your relationship. He will likely just get more secretive about it. If watching porn is a complete deal-breaker for you, you may have to search for a man in the 30% category who doesn’t watch it.
Or… you can decide to just accept the fact that he watches a little porn now and then. And let it go.
I promise that if he’s still engaged in your sex life and not dumping thousands of dollars into his “habit,” chances are he’s just a normal healthy male who likes to watch a bit of porn.
You are totally empowered to decide that you have zero interest in doing the following exercise (where I am asking you to watch a movie) because you don’t want to take part in anything to do with porn. I 100% respect your decision to do that. But I will say that the following technique is one of the most powerful in this entire program.
There are myriad reasons why porn can be a very destructive and negative thing for some people: for the consumers as well as the actors. And then there is the whole exploitation of women and the seedy underbelly of the sex trade. Yes, I’ve thought long and hard about ALL of it. Like I said, I have a lot of personal opinions on the topic that I’m not delving into here.
But I want to reiterate, I included this lesson (and the following technique) in my program because:
- I personally experienced a revelation about porn that turned into a positive in my relationship
- Most women misunderstand porn and it leads to unnecessary heartache
- I get asked about this topic by a lot of women
